- How much snack will keep them quiet without ruining dinner?
- How much screen time is enough to give me a break, yet not enough to make my child grow into a combination of Rick Perry/Son of Sam?
- How many times must I be rebuffed by that mom at
playgroup/the park/school, before deciding officially t
hat she is introverted, doesn’t like me, is a complete bitch?
- How much sprinting around the playground to catch your toddler from falling, being hit by a swing or trampled by a sugared-up, obliviously rambunctious grade schooler (plus the accompanying anxiety attacks) equals an acceptable workout?
- Based on food intake, sleep, mood, the weather, yadda, yadda, yadda, exactly when is my kid going to wake up?
- Similarly, how much time do I have before the next meltdown?
- If I leave the kids alone with certain toys at their disposal, how long before we’re going to wind up in the ER?
- S/he ate x and drank y. How long before that diaper is toast?
- How many times in a given time period do you have to cave before your kid knows that a duckling is tougher than you?
- How much bathwater crawling with poo-particles and pee-ecules would my child have to drink to actually become violently ill?