Saturday, July 13, 2013

After Trayvon: What Do I Tell My Son?






What do I tell my son?

I heard the verdict.  

First I was shocked. Then I cried. I thought of my spirited little guy, resting peacefully in his Batman-sheeted bed.  I resisted the urge to run into his room and hug him as tightly as I could.  My thoughts raced to all the parents, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, wives and husbands out there who love a sweet brown boy.  Or man.  

Now I am enraged.

I listened to George Zimmerman's fuckwad of a brother say "The world saw what Trayvon Martin did to my brother."  (He actually dared to utter those very words!!!)  That his brother was sorrowful.  That Trayvon Martin's death was unfortunate.  That Trayvon Martin was, in fact, armed with the sidewalk.  That we must honor what the jury decided, because they did so based on the facts.  That his brother was legally armed, and entitled to protect himself when he thought his life was in danger.

First George Zimmerman's life was endangered because he brought to fruition exactly what he feared, what he wanted to believe.  That a black teenager walking through that gated community wearing a hoodie, looked suspicious -- out of place -- and was up to no good. By continuing to follow him, ol' Georgie confirmed his own conjecture.  

Second, we still don't know the facts, what happened that night.  Will we ever?  What we know is what George Zimmerman told the jury and the piecing together a story based on recordings and recollection.  The jury was not armed with facts, but a reconstruction thereof.  They were armed with the case presented, not absolute fact.  

And let's remember that the legality of "stand your ground" is like something out of a medieval farming village, and makes our country look positively barbaric among the leading nations of the world.  But that is another matter altogether.  

Brother of George, I heard your snippy retorts to Piers Morgan.  Your denial to the point of mocking of the race card in all this.  As much as I'd perversely love to see someone else take the law into their own hands against you and your bro, I get it - your allegiance is to your loathscum of a brother.  You are relieved for him and sick of the media circus that has been your family's life for over a year.

I will give you that.

But please, tell me as the mother of an almost five year old brown boy, what I am to think?  What am I to tell my son?  Don't give me the bullshit that all parents of all colors have to advise their children how to stay safe.  

It is different for black and brown men, and if you don't acknowledge that you are either stupid, crazy or in complete denial of the unfathomable depths of American racism.  

So someone please tell me, what should I tell my baby when he's old enough to navigate the world alone?  

Do I tell him that black life doesn't matter?  Do I drill the stories of the Scottsboro boys, Emmett Till and the Central Park Five into his head so that he'll know that black and brown men are guilty until proven innocent? Do I tell him daily that in many states his life matters less?  That he must lead the most exemplary of lives, and still "they" -- the people who look like his father's side of the family -- that many of them might be out to get him? 

I do know to tell him not to loiter or hang around on street corners.  To comply with instructions and not to talk back to the police if he is ever stopped.  To only have the most positive associations because if there is one bad apple in the bunch and something goes down, he will likely be implicated.  And still, after all that, to know how to hang with the "homeboys" just enough not to be labeled as "stuck up,"  "oreo" or "fuzzy" (or whatever the colloquialism is for standard-English-speaking, mixed-race kids).  

My grandfather talked about doing the right thing in the 1940s.  Supposedly, doing the right thing would keep a brown or black person safe, if not show the world his/her worth. "Do not congregate on street corners!" my grandfather would proclaim, fuming about those who'd idle away the day in front of some storefront.  

As middle and upper class African Americans, we know the rules.  We've played the game.  I mean, hey, we have a black president! 

Unfortunately (your word Brother of George), no matter how well you play the game, you can still lose.  

So tell me, what do I tell my son?

What the hell do I tell him?  




38 comments:

  1. You say it so well. My little white, blond hair, blue eyed boy has it so good. And I'm ashamed it has to be that way. My thoughts are with the Martin family as they grieve their son, and their country's justice system that seemed to fail them.

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    1. Thank you Frugie. I cannot imagine what those parents are going through. Every day. And now to feel abandoned by justice. Simply horrible.

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  2. I dont know what to say, because I have no answer. It is such sadness, injustice,evil and ignorance and narrow-mindedness and has always tugged my heartstrings. There will forever be things I dont understand and the injustice of it. Even to say so sounds like the belittling of something as a white girl, born in new orleans, moved to small town CT as a young child and now a SAHM in a farm town, cant fully feel. I am sickened at the verdict in the trial. As a lawyer from Mississippi said, "Not guilty does NOT mean innocent. It simply means that the state couldn't prove its case" . Even the laws set in place to protect are distorted into allowing outcomes less than accountable for the horrible crimes [that have/ had] committed. I am always speechless and unsure how to show compassion towards it. Anyway I am sorry for the fact that you have to even still ask that question, this day in time. God Bless you as you and you family!!

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    1. Excellent point, Kristy... Not guilty does not mean innocent. And I hate the idea that the prosecution couldn't get the job done. No matter what Zimmerman will have that stain on his hands and conscience forever, to say nothing of our country.

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  3. Raising children to be adults is terrifying enough without having to anticipate the racism that will be prompted by your child's appearance. Young black men may have the most complex social waters to navigate in our country, and they are doing it at a time when, like all kids, they don't have the maturity or impulse control to act thoughtfully all the time. And, as it turns out, even if they do, walking with candy can still get a boy killed. Shit's fucked up. Hugs to you and your sweet boy.

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    1. Oh Amy, you said that so well. I'm crying and wishing I could hug you back really hard right now.

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  4. We all struggle with how to raise our children in this world, but some of us forget that there's one unfathomably huge issue that we don't have to deal with. At least not that end of it. We still have the responsibility to make sure our kids don't perpetuate a problem that still goes on, every day, despite our claims that things have changed. We still have far to go.

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    1. Robyn, I so wish some people could experience for one day what it's like to be a "minority" in this country. And I love people who get it. If only they could outweigh the damage done by the large faction of the completely and deliberately clueless.

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  5. Amazing post. And I have no idea what you tell him. Because it seems to me that if you tell him to walk and mind his own business, he could be murdered. For no reason. Other than that he is walking. And black. And that fact right there is disgusting. And as a country we should be ashamed of ourselves today. Hugs to you.-Ashley

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    1. This conversation (or series thereof) has me terrified. Absolutely terrified. Thank you for understanding. Hugs to you too...

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  6. I had a van full of "brown boys" when the verdict was announced. I kept looking in my rearview mirror, watching the laugh and yuk it up, wondering how this news would hurt their hearts.
    Thank you for writing this, sending you big love.

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    1. Kerry, hearing this I just want to take them all and hug them, and to find something, anything, not just to make them feel safe, but to keep them safe.

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  7. Keesha, my heart breaks for your sweet, innocent boy. It breaks for you. I can't fathom how it must feel that someone could judge my child as 'bad' based entirely on his skin. Insanity. Just know, and tell your precious boy, that it is not ALL, but SOME who have sick minds. Tell him that their judgements may be directed at young men of colour but those judgements speak incredibly loudly about their own warped character. xoxo

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    1. You are so right - their hatred and judgements are all about them. That absolutely must be in the first part of the discussion.

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  8. Thanks for putting this out there, Keesha. I can't pretend to understand what this is like for you and so many other people. What I do know is, your son is lucky to have such a warrior for a mother.

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    1. I hope so, Toulouse, I hope I can be that warrior Mama. Thank you for the vote of confidence. Hugs to you...

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  9. People in our world see what they want to see - self fulfilling prophecy and all that. I just can't believe that in the year 2013, we can't choose to see people as friendly and good until proven assholes. I blame the media who takes these stories and gives us snippets and sound bites until they have fired us all up. What do we all tell our kids? That its up to us to make a change and believe the good in people. Unfortunately, that's so much harder for some of us than others because people are already working against us. I'm sorry this hurts your mama heart, Keesha. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

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    1. Kathy, yes it really does hurt my mama heart so much. Even though my little guy has been as bratty as ever today, I cannot stop snuggling and hugging him. The thought of someone using his skin color as a basis for evil just kills me. I hope our children's generation can make more of a difference. I know they will. This process, however, is painfully slow, and, sadly, it will be this way many more times to come...

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  10. Keesha I too was so sad about the verdict and so sad and scared for all the men of color who live in a country that I do not. I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I am so, so sorry. I spoke with my son about this. I told him how we felt. I told him that it pained me that his cousin was at risk in this country just because he was a tall young man of color. Keesha again I am so sorry and I do have to believe that we can change it by the we raise our kids. Love to you!

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    1. Thank you, Kathy. For all their problems, apparently Millennials are the most tolerant generation, and I am sure the trend will continue with our kids. But all I can say is faster, please. Much, much, faster...

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  11. What a well written and incredibly important piece. I worry for my nephew, friends, and others. This injustice tears me apart as a mother and as a person who prays for justice to be served to those who deserve it. When it isn't, theground drops from under your feet. We have to tell our kids that life isn't fair and that ignorance prevails in some places and people. There is a lot of good out there, but I am at a loss when something like this happens. I am just at a loss.

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  12. I completely understand and it's terrifying. I worry about it all the time. I too have no idea what to tell my children or if anything I tell them will be enough to keep them safe in this evil world. This is just another wake up call.

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  13. Keesha you said it perfectly as usual.

    My son told me this morning he figures if he is visiting his friends in this type of community that if he is ever seen as "not belonging there" he can be shot dead without consequence.

    And, respectfully, I am as OVER hearing white people say they are sorry it has to be this way (it doesn't) as I am hearing the words "post-racial America" (it's not).

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    1. I think you make a great point, Rebecca, one that no one really says that bluntly. No, it does not have to be this way.

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  14. It is unfair to the point that I don't even know what to say anymore. I really just don't get it, and I wish I could just shake true equality into the thick skulls of so many people in this world.

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    1. It is a disease, and there should be some medical cure. But in the meantime, I'd happily give some idiots a vigorous shaking, whether it would work or not...

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  15. As a white mother of a tall black 13 year old son, I too am shocked and sickened by the verdict and with those cheering the acquittal. One thing I have passed on to my son is your article. I posted it to his Facebook page so he can't miss it. Although we live in Canada not Florida, I still can't stop thinking that could be my son wearing his hoodie and carrying his skittles. I worry whenever he goes out at night that someone will hurt him based on his color or he will defend himself and be arrested for assault.

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    1. This hits so much closer to home to mothers with brown and black sons, in a visceral way that gives me physical pain, and causes me to lose sleep. I am happy right now that my son is a little guy, so that I can keep him as safe as I can, but obviously that won't always be the case and this kind of thing terrifies me.

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  16. I am just so sorry about the things we have to explain to our children. Ellen

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    1. Things like this make me think of the (often annoying) reminder to enjoy them while they're little...

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  17. My heart aches about this whole terrible trial. I wish I knew what you should tell your sweet boy. But I have no answers. And I'm so sorry this is something you have to struggle with. xoxo

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    1. Thanks JD. I am collecting a series of articles so that I can keep a file for that series of conversations that will, unfortunately, be here before we know it.

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  18. I did not follow the case. I just didn't. I got bogged down in life. I thought, for sure, that Zimmerman would be found guilty. And so I'm surprised at the outcome. But it made me think, "I should have paid attention. Did they find compelling evidence against Trayvon? Did they determine that George acted rightly?"

    I don't want to know. That's my cowardice. I'm so rattled and electrified with nerves over this---will there be public violence in retaliation---that I'm trying not to see it all.

    I do know this. Racism, whether or not it applies in this case, is very real. Teaching brown babies to be mindful of the police, of white people, I know that's a reality and a necessary evil. I'm sickened by it.

    And I'm frightened by it. I'm frightened that whites are not acting with justice and humanity. I'm frightened that I'm not teaching my pale babies to not only live without racism, but to reach out and fight it. Because look at their mother, too afraid to watch the Zimmerman trial and form an opinion. Too afraid to be vocal.

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    1. I know you, and you will teach your babies not to be racist. You just will. Because you are smart and you know better. Because you see. It's the clueless people who say and do nothing about what's staring them in the face - it's those people who raise racists out of a sad failure, if not refusal, to see what's going on, call it by name, and act. You are not those people.

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  19. I would hope that by the time your son is old enough to navigate on his own, things will die down. Race won't be as big of an issue. But then again, people thought it would be that way now. And it isn't.

    My generation (I'm 21) has the ability to change our future. I just hope we step up to the plate and get shit done.

    It is very unfortunate that Zimmerman was acquitted, and I know a lot (almost all) feel that justice was not served. But, Zimmerman will be in hiding for life whereas he would have probably gotten killed within his first month in prison. So to me, I think that justice was served in the sense that his life has changed forever, and he has all the time in the world to think about what he did. Going to prison would have been an easy way out for him. Again, this is all my opinion.

    My heart hurts for his family and friends, but I hope they use their tragedy to help others. Like your son.

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    1. I do hope your generation does step up and get shit done. You are even more tolerant than us Gen Xers. As for Georgie getting killed in prison, you are probably right. And while I do think he will have to sleep with one eye open, he unfortunately enjoys a lot of support from the right-wing freak-show faction of our beloved country.

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  20. Thank you for sharing this!... i am still grieving and simmering in silence. i cannot find the words to express the rage or hurt i feel when i look at my two sons knowing it could just as easily have been one of them. My heart and prayers go out to the Martin family.

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    1. It is such intense rage and hurt, isn't it? I feel just sick for the Martin family, and while nothing will bring their son back, I know they will have their day as well. I am not religious, but I believe in the balance of the universe. And Georgie will get his just due. Somehow, someway, he will.

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