If I went directly from here to there, I’d be unable to yell, “Hey Mom, is that a man or a woman?” OR pick up that filthy, pungent brown glass bottle lying in the grass AND grab some flowers out of that person’s pretty, pretty garden! The world is a better place when you go from A to B by way of X, J and G, followed by a quick jaunt to T. It’s the ride, baby, the ride.
2. Vote with your feet!
Sometimes I get served “food” that is so yucky I want to call child services and say I’ve been poisoned. And sometimes my mom wants me to do things she says are fun and good for my brain, but I think these things are her way of telling me she wishes she had given birth to Copernicus. If I don’t like it, I’m walkin’ away! That’s minutes of my life I can’t get back. Life is too short to sit through awful!
3. Good things come to those who wait.
What ever happened to patience? You mean you can’t wait for me to zip and button my jacket, even if I have the fine motor skills of someone whose hands have been replaced by oven mitts? Is my need to arrange fifty blankets and stuffed animals before my bedtime story really taking up so much of your precious time? Rushing will kill a soul faster than 5 minutes of The Kardashians. Slow down. It’s good for you.
4. The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Oil (Note: #3 only applies if you are being waited on as opposed to doing the waiting).
I’ve heard that people will pay attention to me if I wait, but I tried that once, and got a diaper rash that made my butt redder than a baboon’s. Not asking means not getting. So ask. On the minute, if not every 8 seconds. “In a minute,” and “I’m working on it” are totally unacceptable answers. Stop only when they initiate punishment.
5. Scream and shout and let it all out.
Tears are like poop. Not meant to be held in. Just keep crying until you’re emotionally cleaned out. Then take a nap. Way more restful and less caloric than a jug of Yellowtail. Or so I’ve heard. . .
6. Don’t get all freaked out over your clothes.
I wear what makes me feel good. People who judge others on their clothes are mean and silly and should have to eat boogers. After all, it shouldn’t be about looking at the girl in the hideously mismatched outfit -- it should be about what’s INSIDE the girl in the hideously mismatched outfit.
7. If You Don't Want to Talk to Them. HIDE!
Standing behind Daddy's leg, looking right at someone and refusing to say "hi" shows you run the show! They might try extra hard to win you over for a while, but then will probably decide you are weird, shy or simply rude and give up. A small price to pay for not having to talk to some nincompoop, really.
8. Filters are overrated.
Honesty at all times is a win-win situation. It really is. Because when you tell someone, “I don’t like your face,” when they are swollen from an infected root canal, and then mere hours later spontaneously run up and regale them with kisses and hugs and “I love yous”, it says love.
It says trust.
It says you always know where you stand with me.
Because I have no desire to impress. No artifice. No ulterior motive.