Slut Shamer Shaming

Everyone's in a tizzy about it right now.  Again.

Slut-shaming.  

First it was Miley's VMA tragic travesty with its twerking gone wrong, sleaze, and mocking black women. In the last couple of weeks, Miley has probably received more letters than Santa Claus. 

Then, a Mrs. Hall went viral, scolding those lascivious girls who post scantily-clad photos of themselves on social media.  How dare those harlots flaunt their wares in front of her wholesome sons! Sons who, were photographed in the same shirtless, smiling and seductive poses she condemned.

Her detractors, rightfully so, unleashed hell upon her. 

Enter the second wave.

Slut-shamer-shaming. 

Women who disapprove of teenage girls posting photos of themselves braless must be fearful ladies, threatened by a teenager’s sexuality. 

Wrong.  Mrs. Hall’s post was outrageous, but the above ain’t necessarily so.

I don’t fear a young girl’s sexuality. I just think broadcasting it to the world online is a horrible idea.

I’m a dancer and dance teacher.  I have taught hundreds of teenagers and choreographed scores of hot little numbers on them.  It’s my job to help dancers find and develop their artistry and individuality, in which sexuality plays a definite part.  Dancing without sensuality, without sexuality, is flat and boring – like watching paint dry.   

What I fear is that girls are getting the idea that being dazzlingly, traffic-stoppingly sexy is the only thing that matters. I hate that secretaries of state, presidential candidates, professors, artists, heads of corporations – brilliant women are praised or dismissed based on their physiques and hairstyles. 

It enrages me.

Surely there are some badass-I-don’t-take-shit-from-guys-I-post-these-photos-‘cuz-I-like-to girls out there. I'm willing to bet however, that many girls show these photos because they think Maxim-style photos are the best way, if not the only way, to get a man’s stamp of approval.

Their brains don’t matter.  Their strength doesn’t matter.  Their power is a function of how sexy, how available, they can make themselves for a man.

I never want my daughter to believe that. 

A woman's relationship to her sexuality is a journey; my daughter will have to find her own way.  As much as I want her to have fun with her appearance, I want her to know that she never has to be untrue to herself – to make herself into something she’s not – for any man. 

Ever.

I want her to feel free enough to discover and experiment, while knowing that I'm there to talk. If she doesn't want my wisdom, I hope she has another trusted and older woman friend there for her. 

I want her to be free – it’s her body after all. But I want her to be smart too.

We Gen Xers are getting older.  We are now shaking our heads saying, "These kids today!" and longing for the good ol’ days of “Darling Nikki” and “Like a Virgin”. We think the Millennials are the way they are because they were never told "no".  Everybody told them everything was okay.

Let's be parents. Let's guide our children.  Let's help them make good choices.  Let’s show them how to be responsible citizens, drivers, friends, students, employees, and Internet users.

Let’s be there for them when things don’t go their way. 

But also let’s tell them when they are wrong.  Let’s tell them when we think their choice is the b word.  Bad.  Without shaming. Through dialogue.

Shaming conjures up images of scarlet letters and being pilloried in the town square. A humiliating form of punishment that now seems archaic and cruel. 

Not something we want to return to.  

A healthy sense of shame, however, is an integral part of one’s sense of self-worth. Our girls can enjoy their bodies and clothes and sex while staying true to themselves.  

A sense of dignity and sexiness are not mutually exclusive, and where they intersect depends on the individual. One woman's act of confidence and defiance is another's act of self-betrayal.

 

And without question, it's not "asking for it".  A woman can and should be able to post sexy photographs of herself online if she so chooses.   

But why does she need to?