Sunday, January 13, 2013

10 Things About Me That Suck For My Partner





I had a big thing happen this weekend -- a guest post on Scary Mommy, one of the biggest mommy blogs on the Internet!  

Huge right?


Ka-bam!  I tried to be deferential, saying that I wasn't talking about all men, and that many husbands, even fab dads, fell into some of the described categories.

Many, I'll say most, moms saw both the humor and truth in the post.  A few dads were offended, but one softened after I replied to his comment explaining my position -- that while some dads might be a bit inept, many moms were professional worriers. 

Still, a few folks, people standing on soapboxes with the Washington Monument up their you-know-whats -- got really offended.  Great, now I've got two posts that have made people want to gather up a mob and chase me off the Interwebs!  One chick even said she would stop reading and following Scary Mommy because of little ol' me! Thankfully Lady Scary Mommy comes to her guest bloggers' defense and bade this gal good riddance, followed by, "don't let the door hit you on the way out."  

Can I get an Amen!

Now some readers, when they see a post criticizing dads, sneer, "Oh that mom thinks her s--t don't stank."  

As if.  

Most women blog because they know they are far from perfect.  And anyone who knows me, knows that I could teach a graduate level course in self-deprecation.  

So that's why I'm responding to one commenter's suggestion/dare, to do a post called: 

10 Things About Me that Suck for My Partner.  Here goes:


1.  Hello, Mrs. Double Standards!
I'll give him the eye for eating that ice cream with chocolate sauce.  Hello, Cholesterol issue? Do you want to be here for us in twenty years? Then I, the Root Canal Queen will go polish off a bag of a sleeping -bag's worth of gummi bears.

2.  I change my mind more than a toddler.
Me: What movie should we see? The historical one.  We should see it because it will be up for an award. 
Him: Okay sounds good to me. 
Me: No, lets see the funny one.  I need a good laugh.
Him: I do too.  Okay, let's see the funny one.
Me:  But, we'll be bummed when we've seen nothing at award season.
Him: Okay, I'll get tickets for the historical one.
Me (running in while he's ordering tickets):  No, no, I'm feeling depressed - let's just see the funny one. 
Him:  (#@$%!)  Grrrrrrrr

3.  The incredible blame-shifting woman.  
In the above scenario, if the funny movie sucks out loud, Hubs's should have foreseen its suckiness and prevented me from changing my mind. Now we've thrown $20 bucks and 800 calories in popcorn into the crapper and it's all his fault.  And, if he is anywhere nearby and I can't find something -- surely he put it somewhere!!  And when we are late, guess who was dilly-dallying?


4.  The Rollercoaster of Love (Ooo-ooo-ooh!).  
For two weeks a month I am on top of the world. Then for two weeks I careen between angsty teenage girl and Cruella deVil. It's a wild ride.

5.  It's my way or the highway.
There is one way to do things.  Just one. No interpretative dance when you fold shirts or load the dishwasher.  

6.  I fight dirty.
I curse a lot (I’m from NYC, what do you want from me?) and than includes little tiffs.  I can take a talk-it-out and turn it into something that would make Ol' Dirty Bastard and three street hookers want to find a priest and go bathe themselves in religion.  

7.  The Human Cyclone. 
When I enter a room, I throw off shoes and sweaters, spraying them around the room like hot soup in a blender.  I open magazines I have no interest in.  Including financial ones that might as well be written in Sanskrit. 

8.  You work for me now buster...
With two little kids, the house might be a mess most of the time, but when company comes over, I go berserk.  I go buy a bunch of new decorating items, and order Hubbles around demanding that he convert trailer park squalor into an upscale sale-ready townhome on HGTV.

9.  So You Think You Can Dance, Mutha----a?  
         Awkward dancing earns you anything from no reaction at all to a bemused smile to an outright grimace.  But... when I bust out all kinds of ridiculous moves -- the running man, the cabbage patch, bad jazz dance party-- I require enthusiastic belly laughs and fan worship.  I mean, I get paid to move, right?  Be grateful, whydontcha?!!

10.  The most impatient woman in the world.
When I ask for help with something, I mean now!  In a couple of minutes I could have done it myself.  And he will find that I have done just that, if he has waited too long.  

So there you have it Sr. M.  I met your little challenge. I aired my dirty laundry.  I may sound like I need meds, and maybe I do, but I’m also a person who’d do anything for her friends and family.  I'm smart and funny and when I decide to change out of my momiform I clean up real good. 

And, sir, you couldn’t handle me for five minutes.  




27 comments:

  1. I am completely guilty of #7. And #4. I'm not sure which one causes the Boyfriend the most aggravation, but I'm going with #7.

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    Replies
    1. 7 is really annoying. And I hate myself for it. It makes more work for me (because no one cleans up after me) but I. Can't. Stop!

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    2. I am a terrible clutter bug - and like you, eventually I have to clean up my own mess. Yuck.

      My mother likes to point out this flaw whenever I whine about the oldest and his messes.

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  2. Wow! It's like you're in my head. I am #1-10. Glad to see i'm not alone;)

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    Replies
    1. Amy, that means we are both FABULOUS!

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  3. all this may be true, but it doesn't change that dad's still the babysitter :)

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    1. Big fat smirk on my face...Anna, best comment ever!

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  4. I LOVE YOU! I loved your Scary Mommy list and I love this one, too! Newsflash: humor blogs tend to contain...wait for it...HUMOR!

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    1. Mwah, Kerry! Why do people read humor blogs if what they really want is scholarly debate? Too many Harvard wanna-bes out there!

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  5. This is exactly why you are wonderful. Right here. If you can laugh at yourself, the world laughs with you. Except those people who are offended by everything. They rarely laugh. How sad for them. Love this. xo

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    1. Thanks, BPM. That's the next sign we need -- one for those people who are offended by stuff on HUMOR BLOGS!!!! I'm offended that they're offended when there so much other shit in the world today to be offended by. Like dangling prepositions, for instance. Ok, I'm done now.

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  6. Keesha! My favorite thing you've ever written.
    THIS: "I can take a talk-it-out and turn it into something that would make Ol' Dirty Bastard and three street hookers want to find a priest and go bathe themselves in religion." GOLD, Muthafucka!
    Sharing everywhere!

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    Replies
    1. Toulouse, I love, love, love that you just wrote muthafucka up in here. Thanks so much, girlfriend.

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  7. I was rolling over the "convert trailer park squalor into an upscale sale-ready townhome on HGTV" line. That is so me! My husband says I go nuts when company comes over. He can barely stand me on those days.

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    Replies
    1. Which is why we have company so seldom. There'd be such a brawl folks'd be calling the police.

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  8. Your Scary Mommy post was awesome! Screw the haters. You make me laugh so much. After reading this and saying "Yes!" to everything, I'm shocked my husband hasn't given up on me!

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    1. So many women agree with this -- I'm so glad I'm not totally crazy or am I just crazy in a good way?

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  9. Keesha, I have to say, you are a ROCK STAR! You gained a fan in me with your Scary Mommy post.
    Oh, and I loved your reply to my comment. Especially, "We also know men, who really are great fathers, but are not the COO of the house." Very, very true.
    I look forward to keeping up with you... so long as the angry mob doesn't run you off the interwebs!

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    Replies
    1. Awwwww, Chad, thank you so much! It's readers like you who keep me banging away on this keyboard and ignoring the haters! And again, I look forward to seeing your Dad site. Best wishes!

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  10. That Scary Mommy website is sure scary! I just wandered onto it and happened to see your post. I'm trying to branch out of my little WordPress blogging world :)

    Anyway--such a great couple of posts.

    Maybe if we PAID our husbands to babysit, they wouldn't let stupid things happen like the two-year old locking himself in the bathroom, running the sink faucet, and flooding the basement, which is what went down in our household yesterday. Read all about it on my blog--I'd love mentoring from someone more experienced in the blog-world :)

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    1. Thanks so much, Kylie. Thanks for being such a great reader/commenter/supporter. I am headed over to your blog read about this now. And we do pay them to babysit. In my house I call it cooking... :-)

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  11. We are sisters from a different black mister. That is all. Please let me bust a move for you in real life and you can laugh at me then. Or better yet, teach me the running man so I'm not doing it like Jessica Tandy at a square dance.

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    1. Jessica Tandy at a square dance. You getting Drivin' Miss Daisy on me? Oh, in July it is ON!!!

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  12. Ha! This was funny. It actually sounds like it would be therapeutic to write a post like this one. Loved the image of hot soup in a blender!

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  13. I just want to say I love you. Probably because I think you are me. I read your babysitting post over at Scary Mommy & then came here b/c I wanted to say how much I loved it but didn't know if you'd see the comment over there. Then I read this, and loved you even more. I totally related to the babysitting one and even MORE to this one. I also wanted to get in touch b/c this thing where people become vicious or all up on their soap boxes can be hard to take. Something happened to me yesterday (like what you experienced w/ not nice comments) and I it could be devastating - like, I was just kidding (sort of) people. Calm down! Also, who hasn't had that experience, really? I mean my husband's a good guy but cmon.
    Anyway, do you want to be friends?

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  14. One other thing, great last line. Also, Whenever people get vicious I think it's b/c it struck a nerve. I think people don't like to here the truth - even if you're joking around. I also see it as a from of sexism or misogyny. Whenever strong women speak up and point out inequities we are shamed (back into place). For all those negative comments, I have never met a man who shares in the domestic/childcare arena equally. (Maybe a stay at home dad but I don't know many of those.

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  15. Hahaha! Love! Especially #8! *whip crack*

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