Tuesday, December 3, 2013

MILFs - 1, Regular Moms - 0



The latest trend seems to be moms taking in-your-face photos (Selfies!) of their superfit/modelesque/Victoria’s Secret Angel bodies and posting them online.  The caption “I Won the Body War!” is sometimes there in writing, as it was in Maria Kang’s “What’s Your Excuse?” and sometimes it's implied, as it is in the photo below, taken by Norwegian fitness blogger Caroline Berg Eriksen.





I mean wow!  She looks like that four days after giving birth? Four days?!!!! Not four weeks.  Not four months.  Four friggin' DAYS!  

Granted, she looked like this right before she popped. . .



That’s how I look when I have gas, people. 

Clearly, this woman is not made like the rest of us.  She’s genetically gifted, a whole other breed.  And if she’s a fitness blogger, looking like that is her job.  More power to her.

Now, I’m a modest person – the kind of person who would win an Academy award and say, “Hey y’all, I just won this kinda cool Golden Statue Man.”  I always thought that if you were secure in yourself you didn’t need to rub a regular mom’s face in your incomprehensibly perky lactating ta-tas.or on your washboard abs.    

What do you want other people to say when you go on a boasting spree/tell people how amazeballs you are/post selfies of yourself looking like you could go right from the mother-baby room to a Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot?

You want praise, baby.  And you’ve come to the right place. 

Hi Hot Mom-

Wow!  You could not look better!!!  Are you sure you are not descended right from Venus? The goddess, I mean.  Because you look SPECTACULAR.  Really, really fabulous. You’re shaking your head, so I guess it’s just hard work,right?

That’s really disappointing because that means that there is NO hope for the rest of us.  No sirree.  Because, I’ll speak for myself, I just don’t have that kind of willpower.  I like things like pizza.  And cake.  And vats of X-tra Cheezy Cheezos.  And as for exercise, I have the core strength of a pillow.  I tried doing tummy time with my three-month-old son and we both got stuck rolling over.  Embarrrrrrrrrassing!  Your commitment to diet and exercise are to be applauded.  I’m gonna start clapping right now.

Whew!  That’s enough clapping for me – that’s some activity right there!  Hey, maybe I burned off some of the Ho-Hos I had for my mid-morning snack!  You really are such an amazing role model to all women who just grew a human being inside their body! Even those who may have been gutted like a fish to get that kid – kids even – outta there!  You’re nothing until you can look hot in a bikini or your bra and panties, don’t you think? 

I’m crying now. . . because no matter how many muffins I make, how many trips to the park, how many hugs and snuggles and late nights sitting in a steamy bathroom with a croupy child, I have failed my kids with my fat ass. What kind of mother am I -- what am I teaching my children about the world -- with (gasp!) no muscle definition whatsoever?!

And my poor husband - having to debase himself by sleeping next to me.  The poor fellow probably cries himself to sleep every night, while yours wakes up every day, gets down on his knees and thanks his lucky stars for getting the HOTTEST wife on the planet!

It isn’t fair, but I’ll just have to accept it. 

Thank you for sharing your beauty!  I am so blessed that I can see your photo as much as I want on the Internet and not in person, because next to you people would think me a troll, and they might pour hot oil or throw rotten vegetables on me.  And then I’d look even worse. 

Did I tell you how gorgeous you are?

Signed,
Chunky MacChunkerson,
Someone who always tells people what they want to hear

Honestly. 

Now maybe this woman is just proud of her rockin’ bod (as she should be) and unlike Maria Kang isn’t trying to shame anyone.  

Maybe she’s merely celebrating her success/good luck. 

I’m just sick of boasting. Would the humblebraggers and the bragholes just get their sexy asses on their big yachts, with the A-list celebs they rub elbows with, and just leave the rest of us the hell alone?


I’d love it if someone -- anyone -- would bring modesty back.  

But I think I’ll be waiting a long time for that. 

27 comments:

  1. I am WITH you girl. I saw that on the news and a) was like BULLSHIT and b) was like, thanks for making the rest of us feel like shit. I wasn't a huge preggo but I didn't look like THAT 4 days post and I certainly didn't make anyone else feel like crap either. ARGH.

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    1. I agree, Ashley - you can't only be proud of yourself when you put a photo like this up - you have to know that you are making other women feel like $%^. Although I guess she thinks that's our problem, not hers.

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  2. Yeah, modesty. What's that again? :)

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    1. Modesty died. They buried it next to it's twin brother, Shame.

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  3. Modesty? I have to try and explain this every week to my 7 year old. I think it is great that she looks great but I don't like seeing boobies and undies all over instagram. While it may be the same thing as a bikini sort of, it is not really. And she is the tiniest pregnant person I have like ever seen, so I am dismissing this one. I was never meant to look like that. And I do wonder, where the hell did her uterus go? I am not big, and it took about a week for it to retract.

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    1. She definitely is a miracle. And comparing yourself to someone like that can go nowhere good. But how do you not compare? How? How?

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  4. I am inclined to believe that it is not humanly possible to look like that 4 days after giving birth. I agree with the idea that she may be from Venus. Ahem. BUT... her boobs do look like breast feeding boobs (that are fake) so there is that. ;) You cracked me up with this. And my husband loves sleeping with me so score one for this MILF/regular mom. :D

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  5. I hate her.

    Oh, did I say that out loud?

    I don't hate her. At least not for her body. Good for her. And her damn genes. I just wish I didn't feel the way I feel when I look at women like her. I want to be extremely happy with my body, and some days, I am. But when I see pictures like that, I feel like crap.

    My husband isn't complaining though. :)

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    1. I agree totally, Alison! I look at photos like like an it sends me spiraling down a pit of despair. And it is true, if we could see ourselves and love ourselves as others do, we'd be so much better off!

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  6. some of my dear bloggy friends sent me over here and I AM SO GLAD THEY DID! This post rocks, I love your take on it, and I also shared it on my FB wall & twitter! ;-)

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am sending you tons of good vibes and I want to buy you tons of wine as thanks. So glad you liked the post!

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  7. I have met you IRL (Blogher book signing) and you my lady are fit as a fiddle…I agree on your post though. Enough with the pats on the back, pretty soon they are gonna knock themselves down.

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  8. This was funny! Especially coming from a fit-as-a-fiddle dancer mom. :-)

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    1. Thanks, Jennie. It's just that, like the camera, the brain adds 10 pounds. Sigh.

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  9. Dear Chunky MacChunkerson,
    I puffy heart you so much!
    Signed,
    Tubby McTubsalot

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    1. Hahahahahaha! Tubby McTubsalot. I love it! I puffy <3 you right back!

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  10. Preach girl! I'm going to carry you around in my pocket, with my Cheetos. :) Ellen

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    1. Ellen! As long as I can eat some of those Cheetos and then come out and get on my soapbox, it's all good.

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  11. Just remember, a pat on the back is just a foot above a kick in the ass. ;) Love your post, hang on while I wipe the dunkin donut from my face...

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    1. LOL! She inspired me to get hungry - that is a good ad campaign isn't it. But now I'm so angry and spacey I am a danger to all around me. Glad you liked the post!

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  12. I'm wondering 1) Where's her bloated uterus? 2) Doesn't she know underwire bras are a no-no when you're nursing and 3) How are those undies covering all the, ahem, STUFF, going on down there after birthing a baby????

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    1. The thought of tight undies after birth would have sent me under the bed to curl up in a fetal position and speak gibberish for 3 hours. But remember - she's from planet Venus Sexoid.

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  13. Okay, my two favorite lines in this post were "That’s how I look when I have gas, people." (<---Me, too!) And "I tried doing tummy time with my three-month-old son and we both got stuck rolling over."

    I am not in the camp of "good for you" about these types of pictures or of people posing their workout or healthy lunch on Facebook or Instagram. I'm not sure what these people are trying to accomplish. Yes, it does seem as if they want praise. So to me, that means something else is going there. Really secure people don't need to post that they ran 12 miles and did 100 burpees because it's just what they do to make no one but themselves feel good. This is what people who need assurance and confidence from others do. This is not motivating to anyone else who does not look this way.

    And yes, where is her mega maxi pad? And don't your ab muscles naturally separate to make room for the growing uterus? This, just no. Methinks I smell a faker.

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    1. Kathy - you might be right, but what lengths for a major publicity stunt hoax! That would be SHOCKING!! But the get-up - I mean who wants to even think of donning anything tight - yes underwire and tight undies - after having a baby. The thought of sex, looking hot and everything like that made me want to weep - that's what seems super ridiculouso to me!

      And thanks for backing up my thoughts on folks's need for extreme validation when posting feats of fitness.

      Anyway, glad you liked the post and that it was good for a chuckle. And thanks for the great comment!

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  14. She may be smoking hot, but we all know her vag probably feels like it exploded. So there's that.

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  15. Keesha, your writing totally entertained me! Personally, I just ignore this stuff and don't pay attention one way or another. To each their own and what-not. But I agree modesty needs a come back and we need realistic expectations for motherhood and the human body!

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  16. "That's how I look when I have gas, people." <---Bwahahahaha! I love you, Chunky. Mmmm, Chunky. Remember those candy bars from the 80s? So. Good.

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