Tuesday, July 26, 2011

TOP TEN TUESDAY: The Top Ten Apps Moms Wish Someone Would Invent

1.  The Whine Converter
Few things annoy parents more than whining.  A persistent whine could make the Dalai Lama a Lexapro addict.  This brilliant app turns whining into music - literally! As soon as the microphone detects whining in close range, one of the most frequently played songs from your I-tunes library plays automatically. And talk about smart, this app knows to exclude children's songs, so you don't have to worry about being assaulted by a whine followed by I Love You from Barney.  

2.  The Sleep Predictor
It has been years since you woke up naturally from anything.  As soon as you wake up you are plunged into duty.  It's not that you're not excited to see your children, it’s just that it’d be oh so nice to have some time to pee and get your thoughts in order before you have to be ON.  The Sleep Predictor app knows exactly when your child is going to wake up, and gently rouses you from slumber before his babbling, cries or shrieks.  Program the Sleep Predictor for 5, 10 or even 30 minutes (more than that is ill advised), so you can ease into the morning instead of awakening with that oh-shit-he's-up-already feeling. 

3.  Reality Time Check
Now that you're a mom you are always late.  Almost so late you seem like Flaky McFlakerson!  The problem is not how long things take, but how long you think they’re going to take. You’re basing your ability to get things done on the WITHOUT kids time, not the WITH KIDS time! This brilliant app tells you exactly how long common tasks will take with your children in tow.  The recipe says prep time is 15 minutes?  You need 45.  Doing the dishes is a 30 minute job?  You need 80!  And a special feature will recalculate the time based on how temperamental your child is, whether your husband is helping or not and how sleep deprived you are. Never be late again!

4.  Parketype
Are you usually surprised and a little bit freaked out by the character of new-to-you playgrounds?  Parketype has mapped and analyzed every playground in a given city according to the persuasion of the supervising adults.  Is the playground frequented by hipsters who are act like the cast of Rent but rock $1000 strollers?  Are the moms sitting around the picnic table, their rings the size of a horse's eyeball and their children running amok, spoiled SAHM's with executive husbands?   Will the crunchy granola parents give you fish eyes for feeding your child Goldfish® and a non-organic juicebox?  Parketype will answer these exact questions for you, so you can be emotionally, nutritionally and stylistically prepared for whatever playground you choose.  

5.  555-DINS  
I don't know about you, but dinner is the bane of my existence.  And since I don't believe in Hamburger Helper, I've got a big problem!  This app is the perfect solution! 555-DINS indexes inexpensive dinner recipes that have no more than 5 ingredients. And here's the best part - you will have 5 days of leftovers!  Yep, you read correctly.  5 days of leftovers for a family of four, a meal that everyone, even the pickiest eater, will love just as much on Day 5 as Day 1.  It's nothing short of miraculous!

6.  It's Hypnosis, Baby!
Everything is a battle.  Diaper changes are a wrestling match. No matter what you serve at meals, it goes uneaten.  And the only thing that could keep your son in his bed during nighttime put down is a good strong rope. It's Hypnosis Baby to the rescue!  Just set the app to a desired outcome, such as eat, nap or even car ride, and a pair of googly eyes fills the screen. Your child will be doing just what you want in no time.  It's Hypnosis, Hubby! is currently in development.  

7.  Old School Discipline
Let's face it, some of the disciplinary tactics in vogue these days are like giving a sex offender some porn mags and a dark-windowed van.  You're tired of practically encouraging the behavior of your spirited child with time outs and taking away his favorite puzzle.  But you don't, can’t and won’t stoop to corporal punishment or humiliation. This app features video footage of time-honored punishments like bare-buttock spankings, the dunce cap and having one's mouth washed out with soap. Without a doubt, OSD will reaffirm your enlightened discipline choices.  Just hope and pray that your spunky, risk-taker lives past her 25th birthday and manages to become a productive member of society.

8.  Momspiration
The baby rolled off the sofa.  You shouted at your toddler when you found a penny in his mouth.  Checking your kids in the rear view mirror brought you inches from hitting a pedestrian.  A danger to yourself, you probably shouldn't be responsible for small children.  Hell, you couldn't take care of a pet rock!  Here's Momspiration.   Momspiration offers words of wisdom and forgiveness.  You'll realize that you're more than good enough, especially after viewing the portraits of women who make Lindsay Lohan look like she'd be a beloved preschool teacher.  

9.  Survival Delivered 
Whoever said help doesn't come in a bag, box or bottle never had this app!  If you've ever been snowed in with kids and desperate for a legal, yet trashy, or a calming, yet unhealthy fix, you must have this app! Survival Delivered brings you whatever you need to get through the day without taking a flying leap off the roof.  A barrel of Gummi Bears? A fifth of Wild Turkey?  A satellite dish sized pizza?  Yes, yes and yes!  In your desperate little hands in an hour or less!  Therapy and exercise are expensive and besides, what parent has time for those? Eat and drink your way to sanity with the Survival Delivered app.

10. Apperspective
Being the parent of little children is the hardest thing you have done to date.  It has stomped on your emotional, physical, intellectual and financial resources with jackboots.  When you have your two year old sitting on the sofa between you and your husband on a Saturday night at 10:30 p.m, you feel nothing short of oppressed. But there will come a day when at 10:30 p.m. on a Saturday you have no idea where he is, or when he's coming home, and you will long for the day when his little warm body nestled into yours as you Netflixed cartoons instead of the Academy Award winner from three years back you thought you could finally watch.  This app will give you the perspective you need about moments like this.  Like everyone says, enjoy every minute of it, because the days may be long, but the years, they fly. 


  1. Hilarious! Love it! I'll have one of each, please!

  2. I think I could use the whine converter but all would be helpful! New follower from Funny Mamas on vB! Check me out http://lonetater.blogspot.com for my take on life!

  3. Great post! I especially loved #'s 3, 5 & 6. Hypnosis Hubby... I need that as much as hypnosis baby! I love that you're a funny girl. I found you on vB in the Funny Mom's group. Now "following" & will definitely be back to read more of the funny. I too want genuine readership v simply "I follow you, you follow me."

  4. Ha ha ha! This is funny as hell...AND brillant too! A set of apps for us wives would be great too!


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