We were entertaining guests at home this past Saturday, and preparations for the visit threw me into a state of insanity. I barked orders at everyone. It was like I was filming two simultaneous infomercials: How to Declutter Your Home and How to Completely Terrorize and Alienate Your Family In a Mere Matter of Hours.
Of course, we got the place looking better than it’s looked in a long time (why couldn’t we do that just for ourselves?!!!!) and had an amazing time with our friends, dear friends we’ve rarely seen since we had kids.
Just like every other time we have people over, I wished I didn’t have to get so off my pins when it comes to entertaining.
Is that normal?
Or is it just me?
So help me out, folks – answer my burning questions and take my quiz!
Your entertaining style most closely resembles _______ .
b. Downton Abbey
c. Sanford and Son
The food served is usually ________ .
a. comfort food - a tried and true recipe.
b. some four course deliciousness – a complex recipe I have slaved over.
c. um, a frozen dinner, meaning a dinner from last month that I froze. Do I freakin' look like a contestant from Top Chef?
Most of the time, the condition of my home is _______ .
a. with a few odds and ends out of place – just in need of a routine straightening up.
b. like the “after” version of an HGTV renovation.
c. like a pack of wild boars ate my family and took up residence in our stead.
If you selected c in the prior question, your likely approach would be to ________ .
a. clean up as best you can. If these people are true friends they’ll look beyond your home’s shortcomings.
b. take everyone out to a nice restaurant to compensate for my inability to entertain in my home.
c. to host Ray Charles Night, where the lights are out, guests are given dark glasses, and “Hit the Road, Jack” is played at a subtle, if not subliminal, level.
If a guest were to open your closet doors she’d be ___________.
a. looking at a place to store the usual, along with some things that always seem to be out of place.
b. amazed! For a time, I saw the dudes from California Closets more than my husband.
c. on her way to the hospital because a bowling ball/iron/bonnet dryer from 1957 burst from a shelf and gave her a concussion.
The following statement applies to you in terms of your entertaining M.O:
a. Mi casa es su casa.
b. I am the Queen. Welcome to my castle.
c. Don’t let the door hitcha on the way out.
You see your guests as ______________ .
a. one of the family.
b. celebrities who deserve royal treatment.
c. the help. Hello? Guests should leave a place better than they found it.
After dinner guests are likely to ______________ .
a. adjourn to the living room for desserts and more wine.
b. feel like they ate way better than in most restaurants.
c. be driving the porcelain bus.
If a friend seems unimpressed by your décor and menu, you ______________.
a. wish she were more understanding. You have kids and a job -- something had to give.
b. tell yourself she’s a dollar-store addict who wouldn’t know good taste if it kicked her flabby butt.
c. wholeheartedly agree. Only a fugitive from a third world prison would admire your hospitality.
If you picked mostly A:
Straight Down to Earth. Not a speck of pretension in ya. Your home is not a photo shoot, it is rather, a place to live in, a place for comfort. You want it looking good, but you don’t have to put on the ol’ razzle dazzle. A home gets dirty. Things get old. And anyone who can’t understand that can take out their judgmental eyes and stuff ‘em. What’s enviable, you ask? Your perspective.
I Want Diamonds on My Perfect. Wow, lady, how do you do it?! Is it effortless? Does it all come naturally? Or do you spend hours agonizing about how to impress everyone? Everything is beautiful in your world, and one thing we all know is beautiful is a lot of work. We have to ask - do you feel like your life would turn into an episode of Hoarders if you relaxed JUST. A. LITTLE?
Think Outside the Refrigerator Box. There are dung beetles that take more pride in their surroundings. Honestly! You don’t have to be Martha Stewart, but living worse than Cro-Magnon man gives us serious misgivings about your psyche. Not to mention physical health and hygiene. Clean it up. Decorate. Take some pride in your surroundings. Sharing your home, and a little of your life with others will do you some good. Really, it will.
So, dear readers, I know where I fall in this quiz. (Hint: it's between two.) What kind of hostess are you?