Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Vacuum Fail Mommy Fail Story

A Hoover? How depressing!

Since she cleaned her home herself, the Dyson vacuum cleaner seemed a purchase almost sublime in its practicality.  She could spend five hunnies on several sessions of just above mediocre work by a cleaning crew, or she could invest in a Dyson – a machine that would convert the task of cleaning one’s home from a traditional and servile obligation to a high-tech and patrician form of recreation.

Well, almost.

One fine day, when our lady was reveling in her home’s transformation via Dyson vacuum cleaner, she smelled something. 

Something. Very. Bad.

“Son,” she called to her then eight year old, while crinkling her nose in disgust. “Did Moxie poop?”  Moxie was the family dog, who, as she had aged, had taken to having more and more accidents, both liquid and solid, in the house.

“Yeah,” said the boy, who, loving the innovative ball technology visible through the transparent canister, was now nothing short of a cleaning spectator extraordinaire.  He pointed to a spot his mom had already vacuumed. “Over there.” 

Incredulous, she haltingly went to look at the place her son indicated. 

True to a Dyson vacuum cleaner’s reputation, the spot was clean as a whistle – all traces of dog poop were gone.  But the room stunk to high heaven.  It was nothing short of the smell of destruction. 

The Dyson no longer worked properly. It was dead. Death by dog poop. A super-sized vacuum fail/mommy fail combo platter. 

She sank to the floor. She cried.  She performed the twenty-first century equivalent of beating her breast and tearing at her hair. Her son, seeing his mother in such grave agony, cried too. 

Does not everything I touch turn to shit? she rage-wondered inwardly.  She would honestly have preferred to step in dog poop a thousand times over than endure this. 

But then, like summer storm clouds parting to reveal sunshine, grief gave way to hope. Wait! Surely there must be a way to fix my Dyson vacuum!  There must be some technological remedy for this finely engineered machine!

Her heart fluttering, she rifled through the phone book, found local vacuum repair shops, and explained her plight to the voice on the other side. 

Unfortunately, every single person explained to her that there was no way they could help. Extracting dog poop from a vacuum would jeopardize their workers’ health.

Sadly, she was shit out of luck.

There was nothing she could do but accept her plight and move on – a difficult thing to do knowing that she had essentially thrown $500 into the toilet. 

Alas, simply unable to live without her Dyson, she purchased another.  But from then on, before vacuuming, she crawled around on all fours in order to protect her investment from the fatal menace of dog poop. 

It adds at least ten minutes to the process, but isn't that time well spent when you're talking about a Dyson's life or death?!

What are your mommy fails that were tragic at the time, but changed the way you do things and gave you a pee-your-pants funny story to tell?  Send your best fail story to keesha@momsnewstage.com for a chance to be featured at this most excellent venue!

9 comments:

  1. Omg. I'm teary eyed. My kids are asking why Mommy is laughing and what is so funny. This is classic. Though I've never vacuumed dog poop, and do not own a Dyson, I have had things turn to shit a million times. Always followed by my usual expression in a sobby, high dramatic fashion, "I just *can't* have anything nice!"
    Whether its dog poo tracked through the house onto new carpeting or a child vommitting at 3 am all over brand new, ridiculously expensive new bedding from Restoration Hardware... It's always the same. I've waved the white flag to the niceties of life until I'm ready to shroud everything I love in a clear, heavy plastic tarp

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    1. I agree. I think moms need some kind of disclaimer shirt or sign for their homes talking about how they have abandoned anything that costs more than $2 because it is bound to be destroyed!

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  2. Shared it on FB. Awesome. I mean, terrible.

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    2. That was a story told to me by my best pal from college. One that, I have to admit, when told to me I thought, "Wow, lady, you ARE unlucky!"
      Thanks for the share!

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  3. This is horrific. Amazing. Horrifically amazing.

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  4. That was hilarious. I too would have been devastated.

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  5. That was horrific. shared it with my friend on facebook.

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