I very, very recently celebrated my 40th birthday. It’s a major milestone demanding reflection. If you are the big Four-0 as well, and want to make sure you’re on the right track, you’ve gotta take this quiz!
The morning of your 40th birthday you___________ .
- felt an overwhelming sense of enlightenment.
- felt relieved that you didn’t wake up totally gray and with a face bearing a strong resemblance to a raisin.
- felt sick to your stomach and vomited over the edge of your bed.
A cougar is _______________
a. a comically predatory and rather misogynist description of a sexual post-35 woman.
b. me every weekend, bay-beeeeee!
c. an animal my Aunt Brenda kept in a cage in her backyard.
When you walk into a store like Forever 21 or Abercrombie you ________________ .
- wonder why they don’t call this place HoochieMamas-R-Us.
- hide under a floor rack, assume a fetal postion and suck your thumb.
- scream at the all the young shoppers, “Umm-hmmm. You ain’t noboday!!!”
You need to start holding your body in better esteem because __________________ .
- really, it’s amazing. You're the only person who’s been harshing on it all these years.
- or else no one will be there for my 27 cats.
- Sorry, I’ve gotta finish my Mountain Dew/Cinnabon combo and get to my appointment at the Tan-O-Mat.
The 40ish woman I most resemble is ________ .
- Jennifer Garner.
- Samantha Jones in early SATC episodes.
- Meredith from The Office.
I have friends I can laugh with, cry with and to give me sage advice.
- Yes, more than I can count.
- a few
- sure, if you count the guy at Starbucks talking to his coffee cup. And the coffee cup.
To be more emotionally healthy, I hope I can let go of a painful memory concerning ___________ .
- my guinea pig
- a friend or family member.
- an ex lover.
When I take stock of my _______________ I see evidence of a life well lived.
- slim-jim collection
- photos of my many travels
I can come to terms with the fact that I will probably never __________ .
- be rich and famous
- cure world hunger
- arrive anywhere on time having not forgotten something
- face a bag of chips/twizzlers/hoagies without eating myself sick
In the next decade I vow to _________________________________ .
- find a patron to support my plastic surgery requirements
- purchase a shed for my dashed hopes and broken dreams
- in the words of Irene Cara, “take my passion and make it happen.”
As for scoring, screw it. Score it however the blank you want.
You’re forty, after all.