Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Big Four O: The Quiz

I very, very recently celebrated my 40th birthday.  It’s a major milestone demanding reflection.  If you are the big Four-0 as well, and want to make sure you’re on the right track, you’ve gotta take this quiz!

The morning of your 40th birthday you___________ .
  1. felt an overwhelming sense of enlightenment.
  2. felt relieved that you didn’t wake up totally gray and with a face bearing a strong resemblance to a raisin.
  3. felt sick to your stomach and vomited over the edge of your bed.

A cougar is _______________
a.     a comically predatory and rather misogynist description of a sexual post-35  woman.
b.     me every weekend, bay-beeeeee!
c.     an animal my Aunt Brenda kept in a cage in her backyard.

When you walk into a store like Forever 21 or Abercrombie you ________________ .
  1. wonder why they don’t call this place HoochieMamas-R-Us.
  2. hide under a floor rack, assume a fetal postion and suck your thumb. 
  3. scream at the all the young shoppers, “Umm-hmmm. You ain’t noboday!!!”

You need to start holding your body in better esteem because __________________ .
  1. really, it’s amazing.  You're the only person who’s been harshing on it all these years.
  2. or else no one will be there for my 27 cats.
  3. Sorry, I’ve gotta finish my Mountain Dew/Cinnabon combo and get to my appointment at the Tan-O-Mat.

The 40ish woman I most resemble is ________ .
  1. Jennifer Garner.
  2. Samantha Jones in early SATC episodes.
  3. Meredith from The Office.

I have friends I can laugh with, cry with and to give me sage advice.
  1. Yes, more than I can count.
  2. a few
  3. one
  4. sure, if you count the guy at Starbucks talking to his coffee cup.  And the coffee cup.

To be more emotionally healthy, I hope I can let go of a painful memory concerning ___________ .
  1. my guinea pig
  2. a friend or family member.
  3. an ex lover.

When I take stock of my _______________  I see evidence of a life well lived.
  1. home
  2. children/family
  3. friends
  4. slim-jim collection
  5. photos of my many travels

I can come to terms with the fact that I will probably never __________ .
  1. be rich and famous
  2. cure world hunger
  3. arrive anywhere on time having not forgotten something
  4. face a bag of chips/twizzlers/hoagies without eating myself sick

In the next decade I vow to _________________________________ .
  1. find a patron to support my plastic surgery requirements
  2. purchase a shed for my dashed hopes and broken dreams
  3. in the words of Irene Cara, “take my passion and make it happen.”

As for scoring, screw it.  Score it however the blank you want. 

You’re forty, after all.  


  1. Love the Forever 21/Abercrombie one: "You aint noboday!" LOL. That's how I feel when I see self-important teenagers, in general. I was at the park today with my daughter, and there was a group of teenagers hanging out nearby on the swing set. They seemed SO YOUNG and they were talking about what they were going to wear on the first day of school. The clothes they were wearing looked plain weird to me, and the whole time I was thinking, how did I get to be so much older than teenagers? I was also thinking that they must think of me as an old dowdy mom. Sigh.

    1. Teenagers are a breed apart. Teenagers scared me when I was one. I cannot believe that in about 10 years I will have two living under my roof. And as for the old dowdy mom thing, I hear you.
      And as a dance teacher, trying to find music that doesn't doesn't feature the greatest hits of 1999, I feel like the queen of the dowdies.

  2. This is so funny! Forty is almost 2 years away for me. I can't believe it! I hope to resemble Jennifer Garner and not Meredith. Ha! I went to Forever 21 the other day and felt like crawling under a rack and sucking my thumb. I can't believe this is my life. How did we get here??

  3. Yeah Kelly, forty is 2 years away for me to, on the OTHER side.

    "Forty is the new stupid" I love that!

  4. Well, Ladies, I am two years away from 5-0! Excuse me while I go chug a Mountain Dew. I'm late for my appointment at the Tan-o-mat. ;)


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