Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Improve Your Pirouettes With a Confrontational Letter!

Pirouette - Ballerina - Ballet Dancers - Paquita - Ballet Photography & Dance Portraits, Columbus, Ohio
Photo: Will Brenner via Flickr



Dear Pirouettes-

Let's get right to the pointe.  

What the sh*#-ball-change is going on?

We used to be sympatico, you and I.  A team.  In jazz class, we were unstoppable fierceness --  three, even four times a pop! In attitude, second and arabesque, we sailed around sublimely, like angels.  And no one could whip around those pencils like we could, baby.  

It was sheer magic.

The crazy thing is, that was when I didn't work so hard to understand you.  Back then I knew a hell of a lot less about all your subtleties, your intricacies, and your deep dark secrets.  To be honest, I'm not sure I gave a pas de crap.  I might have taken you for granted, but I knew you were there for me.

Then you had to go get all nasty and spiteful, like some dancer who finally snaps after she realizes the choreographer she's been dying to work with would only notice her if she had fire spraying from her nipples.  The more I began to study you, to analyze you -- to care about not merely throwing caution to the winds, but having a nuanced and sensitive relationship, the more you began to humiliate me.  On several occasions you went out of your way to make me look like some drunk discus thrower.  

On ice.

I've got to tell you, Pirouettes, I really don't appreciate your becoming inconsistent and even disappearing altogether on me. This even after I've prepared so diligently for your arrival.  In one class, I worked in approximately 960 extra counts of balances so that I'd be ready for you, and you didn't even bother to show up.  Not once. Did I really deserve that?  After working my ass off to know you so very deeply, you go and piqu√© very my soul.  

Why can't you be more like MyJump, who is always there for me?  Who'd never hurt me.  MyJump evidently cares about my feelings and consistently makes me feel good about myself.  He's such an uplifting guy -- a regular high -- that's what MyJump is.   And, I'll confess, Myjump loves me even more when I beat him.

You're probably going to say it's all my fault, but you intimidate me to the point of nausea.  As soon as I sense you coming I need a Valium. I'm all relaxed and in the music, and then I get into that fourth position and bam! It's like I've just wandered in off the street and and decided to do an interpretative dance to nails on a chalkboard.  Maybe I've given you too much power, but if you'd be a little less assy I could calm the flic-flac down.  

Okay, I'm done now.  I've said what I have to say.  Thanks for listening.  We've had some amazing times, you and I, and I'm not ready to give up on us.  Sniff, sniff!  I'll keep fighting to get you back.  I'll stop feigning debilitating cramps next time you waltz in your slick fouett√© suit. Can we make like Stella and get our groove back?  Take it slow, maybe just cool one at a time?  I'll promise to work much, much harder to give you grounded, centered and calm preparations.  I'll use my head better, and I won't let my shoulders get all crazy.

You could also cut me some slack - you know,  my abs are split apart.  You could reach right in there and pull out a tub of Twizzlers and a large milkshake.

Anyway, if there's anything else you need, please, please let me know.  

Because when you want to come back, I'm ready.

Yours Truly,
Devoted Dancer

12 comments:

  1. Fire spraying from her nipples!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love you. That bitch, Pirouette doesn't know who she's messing with.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can we invent the fire spraying from the nipples bra top? Would solve a whole lotta problems in my life!

      Delete
  2. This is so funny! Making a mental note to never piss you off!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL! Thanks, Shanna! That's the thing about me, for better or worse. If you piss me off, I just seethe and eventually send a letter :-)

      Delete
  3. This is beyond excellent. I need the version that tells my pirouettes off for having been terrible, continuously, for 30 years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Give them pirouettes an earful baby. Maybe they'll realize after what I told them that they need to give a gal a break.

      In my next dance life, I will do 11 pirouettes. Oh yeah, and have a penis.

      Delete
  4. Dancing sounds like one tough bitch. That's why I so appreciate the relationship I have with my couch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That comment made my day. I miss my couch desperately. Invite me to do a three way with yours?

      Delete
  5. I never perfected the pirouette when I danced. I just never got the head right. And I have an inner ear thing, so spinning is really just not going to work for me. I would try to do chaine turns and whip that head around and I'd make it all the way across the room, looking like I knew what I was doing and I'd be sooooooo dizzy. So, to have had it and lost it must be so frustrating and I feel your pain!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have also read about peoples' eye tracking not working right while spotting. Fascinating. I am sure there is so much science behind why some turn like tops and others just hop it out like the town drunk. Frustrating yes! If I could only relax!!!

      Delete
  6. Ha ha ha! I can soooo relate to this. Pirouettes come (and go) when they damn well please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They really do. Even when you feel like you can balance for hours. Thanks for commenting!

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...