Sunday, April 28, 2013

How to Get a Haircut Without Really Crying: The Quiz

My hair was boring me, and I started thinking about cutting off my locs.  I wanted not only to look different, but to feel different, and I hoped a change in my hair-do would be a new beginning. 

I told a good friend of mine, Gina over at FullofIt, about my plans and my apprehension.  No stranger to what I was about to undergo, she counseled, "Have beverages on hand."  I knew she didn't mean apple juice.  

I sat down in the chair.  Snip, snip, snip.  I had a Jackson 5 circa 1974 'fro under my locs.  Why did I now look like a short Morgan Freeman in drag?  

I stared at my reflection in disbelief.  Who was this woman and what had happened to her hair?!!!  Could I gather up what was on the floor and glue it back on?  I still had half the day before I had to pick up the kids.  Maybe I could get a rush job on some Beyoncé- esque extensions?

The stylist put on a little color, and it helped.  A little.  What had I done? I took a few selfies and texted them to some friends and the Hubs.  All loved it.  (Actually, my husband is still adjusting.)  I face timed my bestie in NYC and cried.  She reassured me that I looked great, saying, "You know I'd tell you if I didn't."

And I knew she would have. 

After I calmed down, and put on some make-up, I felt better about it.  I ventured over to work to see a student showing of some choreography. My hair, in addition to the piece, received rave reviews. Days later, especially when I woke up, I still freaked at my reflection.  Even though my new look was growing on me, pun fully intended, I have begun stalking the natural hair Pinterest boards, eagerly awaiting some bigger hair.   

It has not been an easy transition, but I'm getting there with humor.  In the spirit of laughter being the best medicine, here's a quiz to poke fun at all the drama surrounding my big chop.  

1.  As your hair was being cut, you ________________ .

  1. felt as though a new person was coming out of your body, like when that alien came out of Sigourney Weaver, but hot.
  2. felt nervous but excited.
  3. were tempted to bolt, leaving your head half Milli Vanilli/half pixie.    

2.  You are sure that your husband will __________________________ .

  1. get all bom chicka-wow-wow with you in seconds.
  2. say, “Hey, mister, whatcha got planned for dinner?”
  3. under cover of night drive you to a remote location and then speed off.

3.   As soon as your hair was done you planned to _____________________ .

  1. buy some fierce new make up and earrings. 
  2. send a photo of your new ‘do to your bestie and get some honest feedback.
  3. get a bottle of vodka and a wig.

4.   You wanted the haircut because ________________________________ .

  1. you wanted to look “single and ready to mingle,” instead of like Ponytail Jane.  
  2. you hate the idea that only long hair is feminine.
  3. it was all part of your Kojak obsession.   

5.   Now that you have short hair you feel like ______________________ .

  1. Halle Berry in Monster’s Ball.
  2. Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables.
  3. Pat from SNL.

6. Your mother is probably going to ___________ . 

  1. suggest you send photos to that idiot in college who dumped you to show him what he’s missing.
  2. give you a quizzical look and a sarcastic comment.
  3. stage a mock burial of her daughter. 

7.   As for your FB profile photo, it  _________________________ .

  1. was updated STAT. My stylist snapped a fierce pic of me, and I slapped that shizz up immediately.
  2. will be updated as soon as I get the best possible photo.
  3. will be updated with this hair when Al and Ann (as in Sharpton and Coulter) have a love child.

8.   You’ll handle your kids’ reaction by telling them,  _________________ .

  1. “Why, no, Mommy is not a glamorous moviestar!”
  2. “That hair always grows back.”
  3. “Of course Mommy still has a vagina.”

9.   On the street you’ve noticed ______________ .

  1. that men, women, kids, dogs, even squirrels wanna get wit' chu. 
  2. a few curious glances, but no major difference from passers-by. 
  3. people handing you spare change and the remains of their sandwich.

10.   When you see someone with long hair, you feel ____________ .

  1. totally sexier than they are.
  2. nostalgic.
  3. regretful and queasy – like someone who just ate from a roadside sashimi stand. 

What was the last major change you made to your hair?  What did you think?  What did "they"? 


  1. Your quiz is hilarious! I'm too lazy to do anything to mine but bleach the crap out of it every few months. I keep it long until it gets to looking a little too Sister-Wifey, then I cut it about shoulder-length. Nothing too exciting or scary. :) You did a great job turning your traumatic experience into some great reading.

  2. Thanks so much, Shay Trashay! I thought of putting my new do on the Interwebs for all to see, but I'm not that courageous. And man, is short hair high maintenance! I have worn more make up in the last week than I have in the last 6 months.

  3. I had really long hair and cut it all off, and I love it more than anything. Short is way more fun than long for me.
    I bet you look awesome! I need to see a picture, young lady...

    1. Thanks, Kim! I know, I know! I have been meaning to do a big reveal at HBU, but hey - what's that sound? It's my inner chicken clucking loudly.

  4. Keesha, I can sooo relate to this. Several months ago I died my hair black. Went from blonde to black. I got lots of complements from people, although it took me a while to get used to it. There was one person in particular who never saw me a single time without saying, "Are you sure you shouldn't consider some highlights?"
    I eventually did highlight it back to my natural color because I wanted to, not because someone else hated it. I think it says a lot about how confident and empowered you are as a woman that you would actually do it. Lots of girls talk about a big chop. Real women go through with it!!!!!!

  5. Having seen your fabulous new do, I think you really do need to do a reveal. Girl, you look fantastic! Fierce! Sexy! Having made more than one drastic coif change in my lifetime, I can tell you that it takes a couple of weeks to recognize yourself in the mirror. Sorry to hear that it's more maintenance than you'd like and that you're not feeling 100% confident about it (though I think you SHOULD!). But at least I know what to get you for your next birthday. Earrings. And a bottle of vodka?

  6. I prefer shorter hair to long hair, so I give you props for chopping it off. I hope it begins to feel good to you very soon.

    The quiz was hilarious. "Hey mister, whatcha got planned for dinner?" and "Of course Mommy still has a vagina" had me rolling. You are one funny bitch.


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