Tuesday, July 23, 2013

7 Things The Duchess of Cambridge Will Never Say

Congratulations Duke and Duchess of Cambridge! You have given birth to a son! Finally the real royal baby can stand be held up.  

And that means you, Blue Ivy and North West, can now be swaddled and put back down in your super-fancy-yet-plebian cradles.

Now, of course, all these little people are cuddly and innocent, beautiful and sweet. They can't help it if their parents are uber-celebrities.  They can't help it if the whole world rabidly scrutinized the minutiae of their mothers' pregnancy.  

And they can't help that while motherhood may be one big club, uniting women in a common experience, the media makes celeb mothers out to be the Grand Poobahs (I was going to say Grand Pub-ettes or Grand Pub-esses, but that sounds NASTY), and the rest of us the mommy minions.  

And now Kate Middleton is the latest Top Mom.  

I know celebrity/society/royal moms have their pressures too.  It would be horrible to have everyone saying how awful it is that mothers are expected to drop their baby weight immediately, while secretly wondering why you still weigh more than a seven year old.  And -- I'll give them the benefit of the doubt -- maybe some of them are just as tired/anxious/crabby with their spouses/fed up that their kids won't cooperate as we normal moms are.  


Call me crazy, but the image pressure is something I think I could handle, especially if I had a cook, a trainer, a gazillion-dollar project to look fierce for, and the good genes that got me to the top in the first place.  

That kind of motherhood and mine are on two planets. 

Which is why I get a chuckle thinking about the Duchess saying the following:

  • Yessssss!  My girlfriends all chipped in and bought me the Medela Pump-in-Style Advanced of my regist-reeee!!!

  • IKEA's children's furniture has been the answer to our baby-stuff storage problem.

  • Psst!  Prints will set you free --  if the baby spits up all over you, no one's any the wiser!

  • Sure come on over!  Our place is nastier than a staph infection, but full of love. 

  • (Sob!) The bitchy mum crew at Mummy/Baby yoga taped a "Wide Load" sign on my bum while I was doing down dog.

  • Oh, hell no, you did NOT just shush us. You never heard a baby cry before at the movies?  

  • Screw the nursing cover thingie, I'm just gonna whip out a boob.

What would you pay money to hear the Duchess say, or any other Top Mom, for that matter?


  1. So funny! She will have it easier than the rest of us peasants, that's for sure!!

  2. All royal babies wear white- no paisley in sight. She's got it nice but hell, she's still wearing mesh granny pants AND in 6 weeks her gyno will give Will the green light and it's Dead Vagina Walking, right?

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