Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Dance Concert Inside My Head

(Lights Up. Dancers enter from stage right, their torsos undulating and isolating, while their lower bodies perform a kind of sideways ballet walk.)

Yep - exactly what we were talking about at the meeting – the intermingling of classical European and African. 

The story of my frickin’ life.

Stop with the personal sociology!

I made a fool of myself at the meeting. In front of the new chair and half the faculty. Why do I bother talking at meetings? I sounded like I was auditioning for the all black cast of Bill and Ted’s Big Adventure

But Mr. So-and-so asked the same thing I did, and everyone looked at him like he had winged $100 bills flying from his ass.

Have penis, will travel – that’s why.

You need some confidence. 

No, therapy.

Hey - yoga would be therapy and exercise!

Watch the goddamn show!  You’re so unfocused you can’t pay attention to the dancing?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Therapy, like yesterday.

Hmmm…Good movement.  I like this -  ballet based modern dance, but the dancers aren’t bunheads.  Perfect for me.  Could I have gotten into this company when I was in my twenties?  Speaking of my 20s, this partnering is so 1997.

Dude!  His back ripples like a snake – freaky!  Nice dancer.  And look at that other guy – a gorgeous mover, but so boxy!  He looks like he should be driving a Miller Hi-Life truck.

Waltz thing-y, a drag turn, chasse pas de bourrĂ©, ruuuuuuuuun, schaaaa-loop pa pa-pa-pa, jump, hop, dart tlee tlocka-ka-ka trum body wave, head roll.  No, a hip roll.  Shoulder? If that’s the class combo, what’s the THEME then? Rhythm? Fluidity versus staccato? 

Oh shit ball change!  Who the hell knows?  Making up class. . .  Aaaaaaaargh!  I really do have to stop pulling class out of my you-know-what. What kind of teacher have I become? I am a poseur.

For the love of ass, watch the frickin’ piece! You have no idea what is going on!  You ARE NOT PRESENT!  YOU HAVE TO BE MORE PRESENT!  Really -- the attention span of a fourteen month old.

That girl has a curve in her back like mine, and she’s a good dancer – that’s just her alignment.  She’s still strong.  Hunh… am I that good?  I wonder how old she is.  I could be her mother.  I used to be the youngest one in every class and now I’m a dancing Betty White. 

What is this even about?  The movement is fine but, yeah, and, so? Am I making too much of this? 

Hey! Who’s that dancer?  Why wasn’t he in the rest of the piece? Not a bad mover but he needs a family-sized bottle of turn-out.  Someone put his legs on backwards.  Do my feet look that bad?  What’s up with the pitty-pitty steps before jumping into a lift? 

What’s up with that? What’s up with that? I love that on SNL!

Stop criticizing everyone!  So insecure.

Oh dear, I don’t want this mint Joe is offering me, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Blech! This mint is like a peppermint shoe.  I NEED TO SPIT THIS OUT.  Do I have a tissue? Oh, good. Now I have to hold it, or else it’ll stay in my bag until Thanksgiving.

WHEN DO I GET TO GET MY DRINK ON?!  There’s that boxy guy again. 

Such a nice mover.  Wow, he’s sweated out enough to fill a 40.  He’s a dancing sprinkler. Glad we didn’t sit in front.

I would love a Lychitini.  Two.  But I have to drive home.  News flash to Stupid – you are a mother now.  What if you got a D.U.I. stop?  Maybe you could do a barrel turn and end with a, “Ha!” (Best D.U.I. stop ever!) Or balance in first arabesque to show you’re not drunk! LOL!

Bitch, puh-leeze!  You can barely balance in first arabesque sober.

I could have read War and Peace during this solo. 

Is someone TEXTING? That’s bullshit.  You mean you can’t watch a live performance without telling someone what you’re doing? Honestly, these kids today!

Yay, I think this is going to be it!  It’s almost over.  Is it? Yes?


No. Ugh! What a cruel, cruel fakeout!

Okay, this must be the last section.  Yeah, they’re going back to themes from the beginning.  Well, all right! That resolved nicely, didn’t it?  Back to life, back to reality…

(Lights up. Bows and applause.)

I have Adult A.D.D.  Severely.

Now, if I were to see this again would I get more out of it?


  1. Loved this! Did you do it for the Just Write Tuesday thing?

  2. Too cute! I can't even listen to a newscast without those conversations going on in my head and wondering how much botox the reporter has between her eyes!


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