Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Please Teach Me How to Sit - Damn, you got a big ol' ass for someone who claims she never sits down.

I’m giving up sitting.
It’s pointless, you see,
every time that I do,
they want something from me.

Someone needs something to eat,
or something to drink.
“Please wash your hands?”
“Mom, lift me up to the sink!”

Or something’s wrong with their food.
“Soup’s too hot, can you put in some ice?”
Gosh darnit! She dumped over
her whole bowl of rice.

Or maybe their waffle’s
a little too toasted.
Or “The broccoli’s too soft!
We like it roasted.”

“Here’s some mozzarella!”
“Well, we’d prefer cheddar.”
No matter what I do,
they want something better!

You could say it’s my fault --
My kids – total brats.
But I just want them quiet,
before I become a hellcat.

So that’s just the food part
I’m bitching about.
There are several more examples
for me to lay out.

Like Hubby who yells,
“Hey’d you get more toothpaste.
Um, yeah? Sooo hard to see what’s
in front of your face.

The only time I sit’s
when I work on this blog
I do so miss sitting, watching TV
like a bump on a log.

At World Market with a friend,
we fell in love with a chair
The thing screamed "Sit here!"
I could do nothing but stare.

Source: Uploaded by user via Nicole on Pinterest

She said, “Couldn’t you see yourself
sitting there reading, sipping tea?”
“Yeah, ‘bout as much as Jon Hamm
sending a text beggin’ to (bleep) me.”

I stand while I eat,
As I talk on the phone,
Actually then I walk or run,
Then they’ll leave me alone.

I sit to do a few stretches,
I sit when I drive.
You’d think all this standing’d
give me leaner thighs.

Anyhoo, sitting’s no good
for your back or your ass.
Makes for shorter hip flexors.
Also gives you gas.*

But the thought of a couch
sounds so amazing, I’m crying.
I am so freaking tired.
I just might be dying.

It doesn’t help that
I don’t get enough sleep.
My daily water intake’s
about 4 inches deep.


This holiday, PLEASE teach me to sit.
And take care of myself.
All the other crap.
Please leave on the shelf.**

*This is a boldfaced lie, grounded in no science whatsoever.  I just needed a rhyme. 

** While this is not a boldfaced lie, it is a big-time exaggeration. I like things --nice things--    quite a lot!


  1. Hahahaha! I have thought about giving up sitting. Let me tell you the secret to getting to sit: have a foot surgery. I've had nine of 'em. From the time I was 16 to 26, and I actually grew to enjoy them as a mom because it meant I could freaking sit down.

    I also had two hand surgeries a year ago and that freed those suckers up as well.

  2. This is awesome, Keesha. I'm so jealous of my husband sometimes because he gets to sit all day at work. But then I remember that I get restless when I sit for too long. BTW, that IS a beautiful chair.


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