Monday, November 7, 2011

Seething Serena's Glossary of Marital/Parental Dysfunction

bedrage -  A sudden onset of fury felt by the hard-at-work parent when his/her lazy-ass partner casually announces s/he is going to sleep.  

crumblivioius: the inability to see crumbs.

napkaverse:  a refusal to employ napkins when snacking, usually due to a crumblivious condition.

D.I.N.W.Y:  Do. It. Now. Will. Ya?  Another firestarter.  If you wanted it done in an hour, tomorrow, next week, you could put it on your to-do list and stress about it.  The reason you asked for help is so you so could have it done, while you worked on something else.  Not exactly neurosurgery, folks... 

dish limbo - dishes that have been merely rinsed, but not washed, and sit, in dubious status, on the edge of the sink. The crumblivious partner, obviously guilty, will feel no shame. 

funnication - the sin of having too much fun with or without your children. Punishment will appear in the form of epic meltdowns, an accident or a return to frequent or pre- 6 a.m. awakenings.  Retribution might also include attempting to parent in an asstacularly hungover and exhausted state. 

I.D.E.A.H.: I. Do. Everything. Around. Here. (Smiling, natch!)

napgotiation: the conversation necessary to enable one party to abstain from childcare duties in order to rest. Issues related to I.D.E.A.H. and P.I.L.S. (see below) often figure prominently.

parental deafamation: the accusation that one parent deliberately sleeps through nighttime wake-ups and/or feedings.  

P.I.L.S.: Parental Imbalance of Labor Syndrome. the clear and infuriating idea, held by both parents, that partner-dear doesn't do s--t.

shaded buffet:  cheerios and other meal debris lying under the table, thereby serving as a readily available snack for your child(ren).

sickotage: the heartbreaking, maddening, yet obligatory cancellation of the one damn time you decide to take a break and do something for yourself because of your child’s sudden illness.

tantrumic dissonance: the uncontrollable urge to giggle at your child's Oscar-worthy meltdown even as you are pained by her distress.

televignorance: 1.  paying no heed to the idea that any or all TV is detrimental to your child.  (eg. Steve displayed extreme televignorance by watching reruns of The Sopranos with his two year old on his lap.)  2. losing oneself in a television program as your child, unsupervised, engages in precarious activity. (eg. Steve’s televignorance allowed little Ava to go Jackson Pollock all over the playroom walls.)

W.H.U.M. (rhymes with dumb):Wouldn't Happen Under Me.  The feeling that your child sustained a fall or other accident because of the negligence of your coudn't-take-care-of-a-pet-rock partner.  


  1. This? This is brilliant. That crumblivious thing? I've coined it "crumb blindness" over here, but your term seems more appropriate. We got a whole lotta this list going on...

  2. I love it... and it TOTALLY sounds familiar!

  3. This is hilarious! Everyone in my family (including my dad) is in crumblivion. Love that! (Pinning this one.)


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