Monday, April 16, 2012

The Potential Playdate from Hell

Dear Grace-

How perfectly lovely of you to invite my Shisa over to play with Michelle!  This is her second year at Community Preschool and only one other family (Remember the Claudins? They recently moved to Alaska?) has invited her over for a playdate.  

Will it be all right if we come at 10:30 a.m. instead of 10? Shisa has a lesson with her Mandarin tutor from 9:15 - 10. It was suggested that she spend fifteen minutes lying in a semi-darkened room with an omega-3/ginko biloba compress on her head so as to increase retention of her lesson.  It may seem extreme but it has really worked!  Shisa already has the vocabulary of a Taiwanese fifteen month old!

I will be happy to provide lunch and snacks.  We do not allow Shisa to have ADDED SUGAR OF ANY KIND.   We would appreciate it if Michelle didn't have any sugar during the visit as well.  If Shisa sees so much as a cookie the results could be quite upsetting -- even catastrophic -- for all involved.  

At her one and only playdate chez Claudin, Shisa happened to spot a freshly iced cake on one of those lovely cake stands.  She immediately scrambled to the top of their entertainment armoire and began braying like a frightened mule.  She shattered the crystal in the china cabinet and caused their dog to run away.  I came as soon as I could.  I could hear my little angel three blocks away.  

As soon as I showed my sweetie a picture of Dr. Atkins, she calmed right down.  

I'm sure this won't happen again.  Lightening doesn't strike twice, but if it does, please call me and I'll be over in a jif!

Anyway, I have an delicious homemade lentil soup and rye bread that the girls are sure to love!  Yes, I made the bread too, in case you're wondering!

While surely you are an educated and articulate family, please watch your language around Shisa.  We are careful not to mention certain body parts by name.  I don't know about Michelle, but these days Shisa sure is curious about the body!  If you hear her mention chaloubies, balykies or jabobos, you can guess what she's talking about.  Just smile knowingly!  And feel free to make up some of your own.  It is great fun!

I don't know how you feel about television, but my husband and I think it is an instrument of Satan.  We do not have even a single one in our home. Unfortunately, now Shisa is desperate to watch Olivia -- that conceited pig -- and Dora, running around the rainforest speaking Spanglish.  Really!

Anyhoo, if you could cover your television(s) with a sheet or tarp that would be most appreciated. Actually, if it's not too much to ask, would you mind taking them to the basement?  You might even thank me later!  Grace, this isn't just my being overzealous!  The last time Shisa saw a television she froze on the spot.  I tried to lift her, but she kicked me so hard in my balykies that tears sprang to my eyes.  I was bruised and unable to stand up straight for a week.  

Nothing could snap her out of it.  After 3 hours she just slumped down and fell asleep. 

Well, there you have it.  I think I've got everything covered!  I will pick Shisa up at 12:45.  If she's not in her nap by 1 p.m. things could get ugly, LOL!

I am very much looking forward to this and I hope you are too!  Please don't hesitate to let me know if you have any questions.

Ima Noying


  1. Dear GOD that is freaking hilarious!!!! I'm in tears! Love it. Keesha, you should really take this on the road. You have an unparalleled talent here, dear.

  2. I know that mom. Someone hit her in carpool. From across the parking lot. While she was walking. Weird, eh?

  3. HAHHAHAA! Oh, man, don't you hate being kicked in the balykies? By the way, I have tears streaming down my face.

    1. I am so happy you thought this was funny. You know someone somewhere has gotten a similar letter...

  4. First and foremost, I am your newest follower. I do not want to miss one single post if this sort of hilarity is what can be expected. Oh, I can so relate. Sometimes, I feel as if I am in some sort of scripted movie, where I am the only one without a script, where I am the only one thinking 'this is crazy'. Thank you for the giggles and for making me feel like I am not alone :)

  5. Hi, Amy- thanks for the follow! I love the funny, but every now and then you might think, "Jeez, why is this woman so angry?! If I wanted someone this angry and crazy I would find a way to sit Kim Jung Il down at Starbucks for a carmel macchiato." Anyway, glad you liked and can relate. Motherhood sure brings out the crazy, doesn't it?


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